by Joy Kilpatrick
As a Mother (and after many years of Therapy), I know the most vital bond a child can have is with the women who gave birth to them. Not to take away from the importance and beautiful role of a Father (mine is one of my best friends) but the creative life force that bonds a Mother and her Child is powerful beyond understanding.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I am choosing to come out of the dark closet of my past and share that my Mother had Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder. Her “condition” was never acknowledged, accepted, or supported. Instead, my Mother was out-casted and lead a life of misery while self-medicating herself, even taking on my identity, to manage her disorder. Gratefully, it was my Father, who came when I was 7 yrs. old and took me to live with him. That action changed the trajectory of my life forever. However, the loss and pain of separation remained until I was able to visit my Mother on her deathbed 20 years ago.
I share this now for a couple of reasons. One, I’m ready! Two, even though I am educated about mental disorders and the effects of co-dependency, there still remains this underlying belief that I wasn’t enough. That if my Mother really loved me, she could have changed. She could have healed and my existence would have meaning.
My Immune System is strong. I am healthy and vibrant. Full of the life force that animates all of Nature. So when I contracted Covid, it wasn’t so much about my Immune response but rather my Lungs and my Heart. The Organs that help process grief and heartache. My Kidneys and Adrenals depleted from always “doing more.” Caring for others needs and feelings over my own, in the hopes that I would be seen and validated…loved.
While in isolation, fear and anxiety became my companions, my precious daughter the only glimmer of hope, visiting me daily, reminding me of my Vision but at the same time reminding me of my deep grief and broken heart I still carried for the unrequited love of my Mother.
Covid was an expected, harsh gift. It was the catalyst for my next level of integration. Pushing me into the “dark night of the Soul,” asking me to come into the Light of my existence. To claim “Joy” for Joy’s highest good. This hasn’t felt joyful… at all! It’s dropped me to my knees, praying for guidance, humbly reaching out for support, and leaning into acceptance of my whole self (the dark and the light) with more curiosity, empathy, and love.
One of the ways I am reclaiming my whole self is by stepping into sovereignty over my nutritional health; in conjunction with what I already practice to help maintain a Body/Mind/Spirit connection. Even though I eat organically, I have not been consistent in my commitment to nourish and replenish my Organs and Tissues from a cellular, wholistic perspective. This nutritional, organic, non-GMO, Superfood shift is supporting my next layer of integration. I feel it!
Inflammation in my joints is decreasing. I have more mental acuity and creativity. My energy and stamina is coming back on-line. Emotionally, I feel more regulated and connected to my life’s purpose, which has always been to be of service. Perhaps that is one of the gifts my Mother offered me. I feel more alive and wholistically healthy and I desire for others to feel that way too. Who’s feeling me on this?
My journey is not unique. We all have our Story of Origin that has in some way impacted our belief systems about our selves and others. I imagine the majority of us are suffering in some silent way. Sometimes it takes a life-threatening situation to wake us; sometimes we awake because we have diligently walked the path of self-evolution. Sometimes we’ve just had enough of living a life from a space of fear and scarcity and are ready to stand for ourselves; not needing anyone else to validate our birthright, which is to be here, to love and to thrive. I invite you to join me on this sacred path of whole health and transformation. Leave me a comment and let me know if this resonates with you. I appreciate your willingness to listen in to a part of my Hero’s Journey. Blessings!
“Knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.” ~ Lao Tzu
Me and my Mom, 1967
BreathWorks With Joy 