by Joy Kilpatrick
When C@#*d hit me like a “Mack truck,” and I was isolated from my daughter for 21 days, I thought “I could die.” A part of me felt like it was dying. The part of me that has been kept captive the majority of my life, victimized by childhood traumas, limiting self beliefs, and a wounded heart.
As a Mother (and after many years of Therapy), I know the most vital bond a child can have is with the woman who gave birth to them. Not to take away from the importance and beautiful role of a Father (mine is one of my best friends) but the creative life force that connects a Mother and her Child is powerful beyond understanding.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I am choosing to come out of the cave of my past and share that my Mother had Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder. Her “condition” was never acknowledged, accepted, or supported. Instead, my Mother was an outcast and lead a life of mischief and misery while self-medicating herself, eventually taking on my identity, to help manage her disorder. Gratefully, it was my Father, who came when I was 7 yrs. old and took me to live with him that changed the trajectory of my life forever. However, the loss and pain of separation from my Mother remained even after her death 28 years later.
I share this now for a couple of reasons. One, I’m ready! Two, connection! Even though I am now more educated about mental health disorders and the effects of co-dependency, there still remained this underlying belief that I wasn’t enough. That if my Mother really loved me, she could have changed. She could have healed and my existence would have had meaning. Perhaps there are others of you that have felt this way too?!
My Immune System is strong. I am healthy and vibrant. Full of the life force that animates all of Nature. So when I contracted C@*#d, it wasn’t so much about my Immune response but rather my Lungs and my Heart. The organs that help process grief and connect to joy. My Kidneys and Adrenals depleted from always “doing more.” Caring for others needs and feelings over my own, in the hopes that I would be seen and validated…loved.
While in isolation, fear and anxiety became my companions, my precious daughter visiting me daily outside our balcony window, reminding me of my Vision but at the same time stimulating the deep grief I still carried for the unrequited love from my Mother.
C@#*d was an unexpected, fierce gift. It was the catalyst for my next layer of integration. Pulling me into the “dark night of the Soul,” asking me to come into the Light of my deepest wound. To reclaim Joy for Joy’s highest good. This hasn’t felt joyful… at all! It’s dropped me to my knees, praying for guidance and wisdom, humbly reaching out for support, and leaning into acceptance of my whole self (the dark and the light) with more curiosity, acceptance, compassion, and love.
One of the ways I am reclaiming my whole self is by stepping into sovereignty over my nutritional health; in conjunction with what I already practice to help maintain a Body/Mind/Spirit connection. Even though I eat organically and take supplements, I have not been consistent in my commitment to nourish and replenish my organs and tissues from a cellular, wholistic perspective. This nutritional, organic, non-GMO, Superfood shift is supporting my next layer of integration. I feel it!
Inflammation in my joints is decreasing. I have more mental acuity and creativity. My energy and stamina is coming back on-line. Emotionally, I feel more regulated. Spiritually, I am connected even stronger to my life’s purpose, which has always been, to be of service (perhaps that is one of the gifts my Mother gave me). I feel more alive and holistically healthy and I desire for others to feel that way too.
We all have our Story of Origin that has in some way impacted our belief systems about our selves and others. I imagine the majority of us are suffering in some silent way. Sometimes it takes a life-threatening situation to wake us; sometimes we awake because we have diligently walked the path of self-inquiry, destruction of ego, and unification with Source. Sometimes we’ve just had enough of living a life from the place of fear and scarcity and are ready to stand for ourselves; claiming our birthright, which is to be here now, to love, to experience joy, and to thrive. I invite you to join me on this sacred path of whole health and transformation. Leave me a comment and let me know if this resonates with you. I appreciate your willingness to listen in to a part of my “Hero’s Journey.” Blessings to you all!
“Knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power.” ~ Lao Tzu
BreathWorks With Joy 